In the words of Michael Jordan, the second greatest basketball player of all time, “I’m back.” No no not back to doing this on a regular basis but me working in a cube in an undisclosed office building in Memphis, Tennessee, USA. Yes, the rumors are true Monday morning I will wake up and for the first time in over two years I will have to go back to a place I loathe.
I am looking forward to this as much as Ukrainian citizens are looking forward to the invasion of their country. Pause, some quick shoutouts. Shoutout the Ghost of Kiev, shoutout to the Snake Island boys, shoutout to the Russians protesting in the Red Square. Shoutout to the people that are doing the right things even know their outcomes are already decided.
Speaking of doing the right things…….. I should not have to work in a cube like I’m a farm animal it is rude and uncouth. Another major problem with going back to the office is the bathroom situation. I have treated my b hole like an absolute king the last few years by using the bidet to clean him. Breaking news I poop a lot and I’m not sure my hoop with be able to handle going back to single ply cardboard toilet paper without wiping and having blood on the doo doo paper.
To be honest with ya I do appreciate all this time I got to spend at home and understand that we have been a home longer than the company I work for would ever want us to be. But still, what I am most worried about going back is what am I going to do in the downtime? Which is the majority of my job waiting people to finish stuff. Like if I have downtime at home I can play Don’t Look Back in Anger on the piano or one of ten XBOX games which I’m mediocre at. No more slapping the dolphin or nooners while playing Halo with the boys. In the words of a former President, “SAD.”
I am nervous that I forgot how to speak with people in a professional setting and am scared that I’ve got what the call in the business “mouth of a sailor.” I’m also nervous about leaving my dog home all alone because she has not stayed home alone for like more than six hours and we are going to start leaving her from 7 AM Central Standard Time to 4 PM Central standard time. Good news though Mrs. Puckflaps arrives home before me so if puppy made a stinky mess it is her problem.
What I have I learned while being at home? I’ve learned no matter the situation I’m incredibly lazy and even given all the time in the world I still do nothing. Doing nothing is great, and in the words of the great Peter Gibbons, “Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything I thought it could be.”
Well, it been fun guys and I would consider this whole saga time well wasted. I mean shit I got a wife and a new dog (RIP Randy) out of this whole situation which is definably a plus. Speaking of Definitely, Definitely Maybe’s best song is Slide Away. I feel like Aragorn standing at the black gates about to take on the Sauron’s army of orc, Uruk-hai, goblins and more. Monday I go to battle but when I look back down the road I came on I will smile because I know I had a good time.
Shoutout Oasis:
Joey Puckflap Thoughts 