There have been terrible rumors circulating about me that I would like to address. Against my lawyers wishes, I have chosen to speak out about the event that happened earlier today. First, these rumors are very damming and second these rumors are an attempt by the haters to ruin my reputation.
This is my attempt to get in front of the story before more slanderous rumors are spread at my expense. I will address only the facts of the event so that there is no question to what truly happened.
At 11:15 AM my brother and I confirmed plans via text message to go to my parents’ house to eat leftover chili from their Super Bowl party last night. At 11:26 AM my brother came to my desk and we walked to my truck. At 11:37 AM we arrived at my parent’s house and begin microwaving chili. After this we sat on the couch eating chili, making small talk, and watching South Park.
At approximately 12:03 PM I realized that I needed to pee, so I go to the bathroom. I begin peeing, standing up, and I had a good stream going, but then I felt a fart coming so I let a loud one rip. The second I “let one rip” I knew that something had gone terribly wrong.
I though that this might be something I made up in my mind, so I zipped up my pants and flushed the toilet. I began walking out of the bathroom and, to my chagrin, I felt a wet sport in my underwater panties. At precisely 12:11 PM on February 3,2020 I shit my pants.
It has been three years since the last time I shit my pants before attending a night class at the University of Memphis on Banking. The stains can go away, but the shame of a traumatic event like this cannot.
So to address the rumors, yes I did shit my pants. I am not happy nor pound having to address such an embarrassing event like this but it’s the right thing to do. To clear up a few things, yes I did deposit the soiled underwater panties in a trash can to never be seen or smelt again. Yes, I have cleaned myself and I am not wearing underwater panties currently. And yes, I am still going to drink more coffee at work.
At this time, I would ask you to please respect my privacy. Coincidently I will be making not more comments on the situation. I promise to all of you that I will be more mindful of my tummy from this point forward and I have no plans on something like this happening again. If you read this, I hope you take on thing with you, never trust a fart.
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