*I am not sure if any of the dates, scores, math, grammer, or infomation is correct.
It’s almost football time in Tennessee. Let’s take a look at what we should expect being a Vol’s fan this year.
Game 1: Georgia State 8/31
Who cares about this game, but there is some precedent in every season of UT football of very underwhelming hard to watch games against low D1/D2 teams. In 2018 we beat UTEP, who went 1-11, 24-0. We beat a 5-7 Charlotte team 14-3. In 2017 we beat the mighty Massachusetts football team whose biggest fan Chris Berman was on the sideline 17-3. But in saying all of this we are going to absolutely butt fuck Georgia State, they went 2-10 last year playing in the East Division of the Sun Belt conference. Titans of this conference include Troy, Coastal Carolina, South Alabama, and Texas State.
W
Game 2: BYU 9/7
This game is interesting. BYU is one of 6 teams in the nation that is independent, how about that. In the little research I did for this it seems that BYU was a decent team last year with wins over Arizona, Wisconsin, and Western Michigan in the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl. They also had close losses to California, Boise State, and Utah. Close losses still are losses but they did it against decent teams so that’s a little scary. Their defense is also pretty good. They allowed an average of 21.4 points a game wish was good for 24th best in the country. I do not believe that the Vols have ever played a Mormon affiliated school. In saying all of this we will beat this team, John Smith ( Mormon founder) is not there to save them with his golden tables that only he can read. Go see book of Mormon on Broadway.
W
Game 3: Chattanooga 9/14
Another who cares games. I mean what to even say for this game. I like Chattanooga, I spent a year of “school” there and got really good at guitar hero and slamming beers (nawt a big deal). I really did enjoy my time there, the best part is that my very dumb roommate got kicked out of school and I had the whole dorm room to myself. To the game, we destroy them but we keep in from getting out of hand because they are part of the University of Tennessee.
W
Game 4: @ Florida 9/21
Heck yeah we are 3-0 heading into Florida let the hype train roll. Let’s take a look back on the last couple of UT-Florida games. Last year we were feeling good and then we proceed to get bent over and shown the 50 states with a 21-47 loss to Dan Fucking Mullen. 2017 we lost on a freaking Hail Mary from confirmed bum Feleipe Franks. I know you are thinking “gosh a 63 yard Hail Mary must be a brutal way to lose.” It is but let me remind you to what happened in 2015. The Vols were winning 27-21 with 1:30 left to play. It was FOURTH AND 14! And Will Grier, who is a confirmed steroid user, threw a pass to Antonio Callaway, who is a confirmed weed smoker, then what unfolded next was the darkest moment of my life. Our entire defense fell down, and like the 63 yard Hail Mary in 2017, another last second 63 yard touchdown kicked us right in the nards. Also people forget that Aaron Medley missed two field goals to win the game. I hate Florida, I hate the gators, and I love meth but I will never pick Tennessee to win this game because I know we will only lose in the most heartbreaking way possible. Also shout out to Denver Dave for changing the channel in 2015.
L
Game 5: Georgia 10/5
Since 2001 this game has been played relatively close. The games on average since 2001 have been 6 point games. This is also a huge game because, according to Wikipedia, the all-time series is Tied 23-23-2. This is huge for bragging rights amongst the fan bases. Our game last year would have been closer if when we stripped their quarterback we just fell on the ball. But instead not only did some guy named Isaac Nauta recover the fumble, but he ran 31 yards for a touchdown. Uhh so many kicks in the nards man. Also the Pig Howard fumble sucked. They also beat is 41 to zip in 2017. But thank god for Jennings and Dobbs and I guess Harambe in 2016, that Hail Mary was amazing. Only if we could have won the next week in 2016 at Texas a&M. Oh and we stole Georgia’s OC and he is a thick man. We will lose but it will be a very close game.
L
Game 6: Mississippi State 10/12
Last time we played these cow cuddles was 2012 and we lost be that does not matter because that was a long time ago and many things have changed. We have been through like ten coaches and they have been through a few themselves. Tyler Bray was our QB and Devrin Young was our leading rusher for that game with a staggering 58 yards. This would be wheelchair Dooley’s last year. One good thing that Dooley did was teaching the players proper showering technique. We will beat this team. I mean they lost their long time QB Nick Fitzgerald and all star Jonathan Simmons (titan up) to the NFL draft. Their over under is 7.5 and they don’t even know who their QB is going to be. We will beat then and don’t bring any god damn cowbells into Neyland.
W
Game 7: @ Alabama 10/19
No chance of winning, just don’t get embarrassed. These are the scores of the last three games.
58-21
45-7.
49-10.
That’s all you need to know. There is no hope and there will never be any hope for this game unless lil Nicky leaves. Why do we even play this game every year they are not even in our division it’s dumb.
L
Game 8: South Carolina 10/26
Will Muschamp has never lost to the University of Tennessee. He is a staggering 8-0 against us. This stat is the most ridiculous stat that’s ever been stated. It angers me that this floppy haired dumb ass has never lost to us. This is really telling on where Tennessee has been the last forever years. I can understand losing to Florida because that’s what we do, but not South Carolina. I mean the old ball coach is not even their anymore. So frustrating. But this year is the year we beat them and I’m cook Sir Big Spur on my grill.
W
Game 9: UAB 11/2
Another who cares game. But this is the “Tennessee Keeps in close against a bad team” game of the year. We will beat them but it won’t be pretty. Also they still play their football games in legion field which should have been condemned 50 years ago. It’s a dumb of a stadium in the hood.
W
Game 10: @ Kentucky 11/9
Last year we beat Kentucky in their greatest season of football ever. That feels good. Also we had a miracle win against their basketball team in the SEC basketball tournament. Suck it Kentucky. This games is always weird but I think we got them this year, why not. I mean we beat them last year and they had some guys that got drafted. They will not be anywhere near as good this year. A friend of mine and me got to go on the field during a Kentucky game in Neyland to accept a recycling award on behalf of a Catholic School. No need to thank us for our service.
W
Game 11: @ Missouri 11/23
Last year Missouri put a 50 burger on the Vols and that really stung because Missouri should have never been allowed into the SEC. They were supposedly let in because that had a good basketball program but it has been poop since joining the SEC. We will beat them, its destiny I guess but I don’t know why. They lost one of the top quarterbacks in college last year so there is no way they will be better or good. I was in the Neyland student section and the guy next to me threw a water bottle and hit a Missouri player that was neat. They can suck it.
Don’t forget that Missouri started the safe space movement and Dooley coaches for them.
W
Game 12: Vanderbilt 11/30
The dreaded Candy game. This game has really sucked the last few years. If they win this year they will have won four straight games against the Vols. If this happens, the NCAA should give Tennessee the death Penelty and draw and quarter Jeremy Pruitt. We cannot lose this game especially if we need it for a bowl game like we did last year. Please win this game we cannot lose to the Candy nerds again. We win this game big and shove it up Derek Mason’s ass. Hopefully he will try and fight Pruitt.
W
Record: 9-3 AKA the Vols are back
Joey Puckflap Thoughts 