I try and drink water every day to hydrate because I start boozing the second I get home after work. There are many different types of water that have had the pleasure of gracing my lips. So let’s figure out what the superior water is.
We will separate the different waters in to ass, better than flints water, and actually good.
First the ass category:
Evian- I had one on there in the Denver airport and it was ass. It says it’s from snowflakes to your bottle but it tastes more like it’s from your mom’s thighs after she gets off the stair stepper.
Perrier- screw you you fancy pretentious a hole. Why the hell do you think you are so cool? Carbonated water is dumb and if you drink it take a long walk off a short pier.
Deer Park- I mean what to say here it’s got a fucking deer on it.
Ice mountain- it just tastes like your girlfriend is spitting in my mouth. It’s cool if I’m supper horny but I don’t want it every time. Ice Mountain, deer park, Perrier are all owned by the nestle corporation, so it seems as if they have cornered the market on shitty water.
This is an aside. I was looking into all the brands that nestle owns and it’s pretty ridiculous. They own some of the waters that I have already mentioned and also cheerios, cookie crisp, golden grahams, Gerber, 100 grand bars, chips ahoy, rolo’s, and all nestle named things and a ton more.
Better than Flint’s water:
Essentia- Good water cool bottle. Makes hydrating fun.
Voss- once again sick bottle. This also comes off as a little pretentious but the bottle is so cool and Sweden is a nice place.
Ozarka- I like this once it might just be the red on the bottle but I like it and it fulfills my thirsty. I would also like to take the name to recommeded Ozark on Netflix.
Dasani- this is a fine water. Perfectly average doesn’t move the needle but is not complete ass. I once hit in a batting cage that was named the Dasani Zone.
Others worth noting- Aquafina, Mountain Valley Spring Water, Nestle Pure Life (the only good water then have)
The best of the best
Actually Good. These are the best of the best.
Hose water- this is literally water from a hose. It’s always cold. My dog and I really bond over it and I looks like a handicap person doing it. It’s the best.
Propel Fitness Water- I mean it’s just the best man. All the freaking flavors are absolutely delectable. Shout out to Kiwi Strawberry.
Smart Water- This is by far the best water since holy water. I wish I could find the genius that made this stuff and kiss their chocolate starfish. Not only is it the best tasting and most refreshing it’s called smart water. You are literally getting smarter as you drink, so if you are a mouth breather start chugging this.
Joey Puckflap Thoughts 